Don't fit the mold

I never pictured myself as being hott or pretty. I don't fit into the petite, skinny, long blonde hair, with blue eyes stereotype. And I don't fit into cute LITTLE asian girl type either. There are times when I desperately wanted to fit into the mold. The mold that the society created for us. I wanted nothing more than a slender figure and the curves in all the right places. I wanted nothing more than a small face with big light colored eyes and a plump luscious mouth. However, that's "mold" isn't me... So don't try to put me down or change the way I look because it isn't your place nor is it your right.

Call me

I was listening to the radio today when the DJs were sharing a story about how they've lost contact with some people because they never bothered to give them a call. They went on to talk about how their acquaintances used to call them all the time but have stopped recently. It sort of reminded me of my own text message inbox. Lately I've been so busy with clubs, work, school, home life, and my own personal issues, I haven't taken the time to respond to messages unless it required attention. Maybe my phone is trying to give me a break by breaking down every 5 minutes, but even that should be no excuse on my part.

I used to enjoy keeping in contact with people and giving them a call or a simple text every once in a while. However, all that seems like a chore now... But at the other end of the spectrum, just like the Radio DJs, I have some people in my inbox that have stopped communicating. Why do people forget the other because of lack of texts/calls? I guess it just shows how important you are to them??? Perhaps next time we need to stop blaming the other for losing contact and pick up the phone ourselves every once in a while...

I gave you a chance

Lately, I've been saying this to myself a lot. "I gave you a chance...". This quote can be directly at me or someone else, but usually hasn't ended up the way I wanted it. It's quite selfish of me, but a lot of my actions towards my friends, recently, have been like a test. Because it's easier to deal with any distress by creating it yourself. With all these thoughts in my head, I keep repeating the process over and over again, waiting for them to fail.... Then I quietly say to myself "I gave you a chance...."

In the past

I was watching one of my favorite shows today called "Star junior show boong-a-bbang". I started to think about my past and remembered some amazing childhood and all the love that I received. However, I also remembered all the times I spent alone in my house... Dad was working abroad for most of my life and mom sometimes couldn't make it home. I guess that's what happens when you have an important position in a busy corporate company.

My grandparents raised me for a good part of my childhood. That didn't really change anything from me staying home by myself. Grandpa had a political staff to attend to/work and grandma often had meetings with her church women's group. Now don't get me wrong. I believe that I had a great childhood. When everyone was home, we would often vacation to different countries and I received all the love in the world.

It's funny because the first time I found out that Santa Claus wasn't real was actually in kindergarden (possibly around 5 or 6?). My mom had a business meeting in Japan and I had to spend Christmas Eve by myself for the most part. I'm not sure what time it was but VERY early in the morning, I heard the door to my room open. Actually it was my mom's room since I often waited for her there... When I gently opened my eyes, I could see my grandmother putting a small black plastic bag by my pillow. The next morning I woke up and she was trying very hard to tell me that the candies inside the plastic bag were from Santa. I felt bad for letting her down by ruining the surprise so I just played along and acted gleeful. You see, because my mom had to leave in a hurry, my grandmother didn't have time to prepare a believable "Santa gift". Which is why it came in a plastic bag and contained candy from the candy jar...

I never understood when the other kids envied me for being an only child. Trust me, it's not as fun as it looks. I mean I'm sure there are some aspects of having siblings that are not very pleasant but at least you have each other right? Because I went to a private kindergarden, my house was very far away from the place. All my friends lived in the district next to us while me and a few friends lived in a different district. On days when no one was home, I was told to stay home because nobody can keep track of me if I'm running around outside... I spent my time reading books, reading books, playing the piano, and reading even more books. I also watched T.V. and tried a million times to get a hold of my mom at work. Our phone conversations were often short but always ended with kisses.

My mom gave up a typical average dream job and stayed home for a while when I entered elementary school. But to this day, I always remember my early childhood of when I spent my nights alone trying to sleep through a thunderstorm or when I spent my days reading and playing piano...

Even if I die, I can't let you go.

Can I just say that singers are supposed to be good at singing. These days a lot of singers, in South Korea especially, aren't very good singers. They're just mediocre singers with great dancing and entertainment abilities. I've recently found a group that's actually good at what they do! 2AM! Don't get me wrong, I'm not the type to like a group just because everyone else likes them. In fact, 2PM.... is not that great BUT their "brother group" 2AM W-O-W!

Regardless of the age, it all hurts the same

Regardless of how young you are, we all know and feel pain

Why did you lie that everything will be ok?

The broken heart doesn't get repaired easily

How will I live without you, so...

Even if I die, I can't let you go

How could I let you go if you're planning to leave

Then fix my heart so I can at least live on painlessly

If you can't, then since I wouldn't be able to live

I can't let you go even if I die

No matter how much you push me away, I will hold on to you till the end

So you won't be able to go anywhere

If you are really leaving, then lie

Let's meet tomorrow and meet with a smile

Then say that you were joking about breaking up if not, then...

Even if I die, I can't let you go

How could I let you go if you're planning to leave

Then fix my heart so I can at least live on painlessly

If you can't, then since I wouldn't be able to live

I can't let you go even if I die

We spent so much time together

But how could I live alone now?

I can't do that, I can't

Even if I die, I can't let you go, I really can't let you go

If you're planning to leave, then fix my heart

so I can at least live on painlessly

If you can't, then since I wouldn't be able to live

I can't let you go even if I die...

Even if I die, I can't let you go, I really can't let you go

If you're planning to leave, then fix my heart

so I can at least live on painlessly

If you can't, then since I wouldn't be able to live

I can't let you go even if I die...

To give your all to someone...

To give your all to someone is like giving a part of your soul to them. The receiver must take careful measures to cherish it or else the giver's soul will be damaged forever. When I make friendships it is not very easy for me to give my all to them. It takes me awhile to even open up a little bit of myself beyond the shallow point of my thoughts. Yes, I have plenty of friends that I'm close to but can I really say that I've truly opened my thoughts to them? Once that line of trust is established, it is hard for me to not depend on them and trust them with all my heart. It is also hard for me to get back up to that point when the trust is broken or I feel betrayed.

How can one say that I've been avoiding, shallow, MIA? Should I be surprised or even upset? I mean if they were my true friend, they would know all the struggles that I'm going through right? What can I say to them in my time of need? Is it right for me to cry out? Is it right for me to blame them? I'm never the type to scream and shout for help when the hole gets deeper... but if you were my true friend shouldn't you know that I'm being buried underneath?....